How many of you remember what your response to that question was when you were a child? If you're anything like me, I bet it changed quite a few times. when I was 5, I had plans to be a zookeeper. I had some romantic vision of bathing elephants, trimming the manes of ferocious lions as I soothed them through song.
When I was twelve, it was an environmentalist I strove to be. I'm pretty sure that was due to the fact that I had no actual idea what an environmentalist did. I simply wanted an excuse to commune with animals in the wild. I guess I had a thing for animals when I was young.
When I was around 13/14, I decided I wanted to be a paleontologist. Again...influenced not by my love of science, and digging in the desert, or searching through nature's history books, but by my desire to be the guy they called to come tour Jurassic Park when it opened. And it will...mark my words...
I never had the standard little boy answers though. I never looked at the person asking the question and grinned longingly about becoming a fireman, or a police officer, or even an astronaut. Sure, I want to spend some time in space...who doesn't? But not enough to make a career out of it. Even as a child I had a sense that what you do for a living should be something you love, not just what's popular, or economically smart, or what someone tells you is the smart field to follow. I suppose I've been paying for that ever since.
But when does choosing a career become really tough? I know a great many people who didn't know at the age of 18 what they wanted to do with their lives. It made choosing schools very difficult for a lot of my friends, as I know it makes choosing difficult for about two thirds of the population. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer of "I don't know what I want to do" is actually a way to makes the fear of knowing exactly what you want to do, but realizing it's incredibly difficult.
That was/is my problem. I knew what I loved, and since my 17 year love affair with positive and uplifting television had simply confirmed my suspicions that you should follow your bliss, I knew what I wanted to try and carry out for myself. Why is this a problem, you may be asking yourself? Simply put, when you know what you want, when you see that goal, when you are clear and vocal about those dreams, you set up some of the greatest obstacles you'll ever face: Expectations.
Expectations are hard to live up to sometimes. And yes, i do mean when you view your trajectory through the eyes of your family, or friends, or the people who don't even really matter most to you, but knew you back when, and knew where you thought you were headed, but more so when you try to live up to them yourself.
Don't confuse goals with expectations either. They are two separate sides of a coin. Goals are positive. The give us a system by which to measure our progress. But expectations. Oh, they can be so cruel!
An imaginary conversation with myself:
"Hey Matt, how's life?"
"You know me, life isn't too bad. Its a challenge, its a struggle, but it's life!"
"You reaching all your goals?"
"well, myself, piece by piece and little by little I think I am. I'm seeing some aspects come to fruition, yes."
"Is it what you expected?"
"Hell no! Don't ask me that question. Don't distract me from attempting to get something done by constantly pointing out that what I expected out of my life at the age of 20 is not where I will find myself at the age of thirty."
"Look, I'm just being a realist! You didn't expect to be working at the bulls eye, while working with youth in a non-theatrical setting. I don't recall seeing that on your list of expectations."
"That's true me, but I also didn't expect to fall in love when I did and want to make a declaration of love to someone at the time in my life when I did. But I wouldn't change it! So stop hurling my old expectations in my face, and let me feel proud about the things I AM doing right, and the accomplishments I CAN be proud of! We couldn't see the future! we couldn't plan! we play it by ear you and I, and I have to say that all things considered we haven't done to poorly!"
"man, you don't have to be so harsh."
Call a therapist! I'm arguing with my past.
Don't worry I didn't have that conversation out loud...or ever for that matter. But sometimes its feels like we're fighting with our old expectations. And those expectations get in the way of what we do right. The number of times I have said in the past year "life is what happens when your making other plans" makes me seem like a broken record. But It's true.
Our old imagined expectations can often rear their ugly heads and try and make us lose focus of the things we can, and have controlled in our lives. The rest, as much as I hate to say it, is dumb luck. Right place, right time, right hand shake, right email address traded. The rest is out of our hands!
So, I respectfully and politely request that my old expectations shut the hell up, and allow me to focus on the goals I've set, and how I can better achieve them. And focus on the wonderful things I've accomplished such as the lives I've touched, and the lives that have touched me...even if just for a brief moment.
After all, those folks who went crazy building underground bunkers when they were worried the world would end at midnight January first 2000, probably felt a little silly when everybody went about their business the following morning. What we expect, and what actually occurs rarely get together and ask our opinion about how to proceed.
So be prepared, be ready, but be flexible. Trees bend in the wind, and it strengthens their root systems. When they are grown in an environment that has no wind, the fall right over. They never learned to be receptive of their environment. So prepare all you want...but don't be surprised when the wind comes asks you to change directions.
Well said and lovely, my friend. :)
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